In the past couple of years, maybe the most important development in the field of Solution Focused Brief Therapy is the ‘Diamond’ that was developed by myself and Dr. Adam Froerer and the Solution Focused Diamond like walks you through the process of how to conduct a Solution Focused session and all of that. But part of the Diamond, what I want to talk about today is what we refer to as ‘Resources for the outcome’.
Now, I was working with a client this morning, it was a couple. Talking to clients about their resources is tremendously impactful. And I was working with this couple and they have been having issues for several years and the woman felt really disconnected from her husband and she described him as incapable of being connected. Now if, think about this for a second,
as long as she views him as that, as incapable of forming connections, then what are the chances that they’re actually gonna resolve their issue and have success? Part of my job is to ask questions that challenge that reality and allow her to think about him in a different way. Because as long as she thinks of him as incapable, then she’s gonna treat him as if he’s incapable, which makes it very difficult for the problem to go away.
So I asked him, where do you find the most connections and what resources do you have within you to be able to do it? And he works at a bank and he said, Well, I’m very connected with some of the people in the bank. And I said, like, who?
Now part of his job is to secure accounts, right? When I say works at a bank, I don’t mean like a, a regular bank, I mean like a like a corporate bank. And his job is to secure like accounts, large accounts, so this bank can manage their money. And how do you do that? Well, I have to remember,
I gotta treat them like they’re special. I have to make them feel important and, I have to kind of court them. I take them to meetings and those sorts of things. And you could see light bulbs going off over both people’s heads just by talking about the resources this man has and his ability to do it in one area. You could see him realizing like,
Oh my gosh, I have to court her. I have to treat her like she’s special. It wasn’t that he didn’t have the skill, it was like he was compartmentalizing it. I use the skill here but not here. And then you could also watch a light bulb going over her head, which was, holy cow, if he’s not incapable, he just wasn’t doing it over here.
So my question becomes, ‘Well supposed you woke up tomorrow and the skill you have that is really working for you in this one area, what would you notice to let you know it’s working over here?’ And he starts to talk about what it would be like to use these traits he has to court her and to woo her and to make her feel special, right?
And I ask her, ‘Suppose you woke up…’ And I ask her the question as well. But that’s what we have to do. Like if a client describes their partner as incapable of change, if they describe themselves as incapable of change, I now have to do something to impact that belief because that belief in and of itself will make change impossible.
And one of the best ways to do that is by having a conversation with clients about their resources and the way their resources show up in other areas of their life. This is why like believing in your client’s capabilities is so important. Solution Focused Brief Therapy, it’s not about like being super positive. I think anyone can change, so thus they will like, it’s about like we have to believe they can change.
We have to believe they’re capable because it changes how we talk to them. And when we hear them say things that are counter to their ability to change, it lets us know like, this is where we have to intervene. Because as long as they believe that, change is not possible.
So I hope this makes a difference for you. Like this was like a huge, I don’t wanna say realization cause of course I’ve always known it. I’ve been writing about it and teaching it for years, but it was a lesson so important I wanted to pull it out and share it with you this week. So thanks for watching.