Elliott Connie
Founder/PresidentElliott Connie, MA, LPC is a Psychotherapist that practices in Arlington, Texas. He has worked with thousands of individuals, couples, and families applying the solution...
It sucks to say this, especially because I wish it weren\’t true, but there are an overwhelming amount of therapists who are not good at their job because of one glaring weakness- the inability to access true empathy without using judgment!
We need to face the reality that most therapists suck. They\’re not very effective. When I hear clients tell me things that their previous therapists have said and done, it floors me. In fact, it disgusts me. It blows me away. But it\’s not just my subjective experience, there is actually research supporting the idea that therapy itself is not very effective. So let\’s have an open conversation about why this is true.
The reason that it\’s true is because most therapists rely on something ineffective to try to create change, while not relying on the thing that would be effective to create change. There is literally a thing that all therapists possess, that when they utilize it, it activates all of the ingredients and environment for change, but yet we tend to not use it. We use this other thing.
So what\’s that thing? The thing that we use that is ineffective is judgment. Now, we secretly call it diagnosis, but it\’s judgment. And when you judge people, they tend to not change. Because here\’s what happens with judgment. If you judge me, I only have two options.
I can reject the judgment that you give me, which is going to make me resentful, frustrated, and angry. And by the way, that\’s why most of your clients don\’t continue to work with you in therapy. Not because they\’re resistant, not because they\’re not committed. It\’s because they feel judged, and they\’re rejecting the label that you gave them through your judgment. Again, we hide it behind this word diagnosis, but it\’s actually judgment.
And then the other thing that they could do is they could accept the judgment. But once they accept the judgment, then they then have to act out the script of the judgment. So, for example, if you label me as someone with ADHD, that I\’m going to be more hyper. I\’m going to have more symptoms of ADHD.
So judgment is actually a killer of change, not an accelerant to it.
So what should we do instead? We should be empathetic. There is not enough empathy in our world, in our work, and in our sessions. Let me explain to you what I mean by empathy. I want to use a really, really clear example.
I recently had the opportunity to visit a place called Tulsa, Oklahoma, and that\’s home to what was known as Black Wall Street. And it\’s also home of one of the biggest tragedies in American history, which is known as the Tulsa Race Riots, which took place in 1921. I want to use this as an opportunity to explain what I mean of the importance of empathy.
Now, a little bit of history at that time, Tulsa, Oklahoma, had a neighborhood that was full of black wealthy people. They owned their own streets, they owned their own neighborhoods. They owned their own stores. It was about the size of Atlanta at that time. So think about what Atlanta is now. Tulsa was becoming that in 1921.
Now, what happened to cause this riot, is there was a black man who was about 20 years old dating a white woman who\’s about 20 years old, and they were observed coming out of an elevator where they were accused of kissing. This upset the white people of the town, and they literally bombed. Not just shot, they bombed this neighborhood that was full of black wealth. Tens of thousands of people were displaced, and they lost everything literally overnight. Well, if you go to Tulsa, Oklahoma, now to that same area, it is stricken with poverty because the people living there now, they\’re the grandchildren, or even great grandchildren of the people who had wealth back in 1921.
And we know one of the things associated with poverty is crime. One of the things associated with poverty is despair. One of the things associated with poverty is neighborhoods that don\’t have the kind of money that they can pour into schools. So the education is not great. So this area is not a flourishing area.
But here\’s what happens… if you meet somebody from Tulsa, Oklahoma, and they\’ve committed crime and they\’ve had a difficult life. Instead of diagnosing them as someone who has behavioral problems, or as someone who has issues, we have to understand the historic nature on why they are where they are.
See, all people are the same. If you saw the moving Trading Places. Trading Places is actually about this exact concept where Dan Aykroyd\’s character started off as a wealthy banker, and then through the doings of his bosses, they fired him because they wanted to test what would happen. Was he successful because of the stuff he has inside of him, or would he fall victims to the life of poverty? If they gave him poverty? So they did. They gave him poverty. And what happened? He turned to crime, because that\’s what happened.
So are these people bad people? Of course not. They\’re people that have been stuck in a difficult situation. And we have to remember that, when we\’re talking to all of our clients. Are these people bad people? Of course not. Are these people whatever? Of course not. They\’re just people who\’ve been dealing with difficult circumstances.
So once you take an empathetic view of your client, instead of a judgmental view, then you get to do what is the actual core to our work.
Our work is actually not about solving problems. Our work is about helping people to achieve their aims in spite of the obstacles that stand between them and their aim.
So, for example, if I want to be a better dad, but I struggle with an addiction, my job necessarily isn\’t to solve the addiction. My job is to help that person achieve better dadhood, achieve the aim of being a better dad and understanding a secondary consequence of the healing work, a secondary consequence of the process of…, the secondary consequence of doing the things necessary to be a better dad, will also reduce how much I\’m drinking.
But when you focus on the drinking, instead of the the goal, the outcome, the thing that the person wants to achieve, then you buy into the flawed idea that you\’re trying to solve the problem, which in this case would be the drinking, instead of understanding not everybody has an easy path. Not everybody has a silver spoon in their mouth. Some people have aims, but also obstacles that live between them and their aim.
And our job isn\’t necessarily remove the obstacles because they\’re always going to be there and there\’s going to be more.
My job is to help you achieve your aim in spite of the obstacle. Help you start to perceive yourself as someone who can overcome obstacles. When the client views themselves as an overcomer, the obstacle becomes less relevant.
But you\’ve been tricked into thinking it\’s your job to solve the problem.
And what does that do? That means you go into sessions looking for problems to solve.
What does that do? That puts you in a position to judge your client instead of showing them empathy.
Elliott Connie, MA, LPC is a Psychotherapist that practices in Arlington, Texas. He has worked with thousands of individuals, couples, and families applying the solution focused approach to help them move their lives from the current problems towards their desired futures. As well as being the Founder and President of The Solution Focused Universe, he is recognized around the world speaking at national and international conferences and events throughout the United States, Australia, New Zealand, Germany, South Africa, Russia, Switzerland, England, Poland, Sweden, Denmark, Scotland, Holland, Canada, and Asia training practitioners to apply solution focused questions and techniques in their work. He has authored or co-authored 4 books including “The Art of Solution Focused Therapy”, ‘Solution Building in Couples Therapy”, ‘The Solution Focused Marriage’, and ‘Solution-Focused Brief Therapy with Clients Managing Trauma’.
