Elliott Connie
Founder/PresidentElliott Connie, MA, LPC is a Psychotherapist that practices in Arlington, Texas. He has worked with thousands of individuals, couples, and families applying the solution...
In all of my SFBT trainings, you’ll hear me say that one of the best things you can do as a solution focused clinician is to master the art of asking questions. But there’s one other quality that I think makes a great therapist.
You’ve probably heard me say 10,000 times that Solution Focused Brief Therapy is about the questions. If you want to be good at Solution Focused Brief Therapy, you have to master the art of asking questions, and the kind of questions specifically that lead your client to change. However, what you haven’t heard me say is equally as important, is you have to show up in that conversation like a human being. That is your very first task.
See, sometimes we get so focused on our role as therapists, we get so focused on being clinical, we get so focused on asking questions, that we forget how important it is to be a human.
This past week, I was teaching inside my community, and somebody asked a question about “What if the client is really struggling with something specific?” And we talked about what that would look like. And in Solution Focused Brief Therapy, we start our sessions by asking, “What are your best hopes from our talking?” And what if they say, “You know, I really miss someone who has passed away?”
Well, it’s okay to say something like, “Oh, tell me about them.” “Oh, it was my ex-husband.” “What was he like?” “Oh, man, he was funny, and he was exciting, and he loved football, and he loved sports, and he loved walking his dog.” “What’s your dog’s name?” It’s okay to be a person.
Now, you have to remember, “Where am I?” in the clinical part of the conversation. But being a human being in these moments is very important. In fact, you can’t be their therapist, if you’re not a human being first. You can’t do this work, if you don’t connect with them first. You can’t be who you need to be in these moments for them when they’re really struggling, if you do not connect with them first.
That is your first job, your first task, and your first responsibility. And you cannot let that down. Even if, you know, I’m supposed to do this clinical thing; but you’re supposed to be a human with a heart first.
And sometimes it’s going to cause you to say something like, “Tell me about your husband that just passed. That sounds awful.” And then they’re going to tell you, “Oh, he liked to take walks, and he loved nature, and he loved travel, and he loved sports, and he loved walking the dog.” “Wow. So now that you’re here talking to me about the loss of your husband, what do you hope you’ll get from being in this conversation?” So all I did was re-ask the ‘best hopes’ question after talking a little bit about the thing that’s on your client’s mind.
If you shut down what’s on their mind, then you shut down your ability to have a relationship with them, and you cannot be their therapist.
Elliott Connie, MA, LPC is a Psychotherapist that practices in Arlington, Texas. He has worked with thousands of individuals, couples, and families applying the solution focused approach to help them move their lives from the current problems towards their desired futures. As well as being the Founder and President of The Solution Focused Universe, he is recognized around the world speaking at national and international conferences and events throughout the United States, Australia, New Zealand, Germany, South Africa, Russia, Switzerland, England, Poland, Sweden, Denmark, Scotland, Holland, Canada, and Asia training practitioners to apply solution focused questions and techniques in their work. He has authored or co-authored 4 books including “The Art of Solution Focused Therapy”, ‘Solution Building in Couples Therapy”, ‘The Solution Focused Marriage’, and ‘Solution-Focused Brief Therapy with Clients Managing Trauma’.
