This Place Used to Be My Hell – Finding Hope From a Difficult Past

 

Today I did something I never thought I would ever do. I went back and visited my old college and retraced my steps back to when things weren’t that great for me. I wasn’t quite sure how I would feel going back to a place where I remember being extremely Depressed and Hopeless but what I was surprised to find was Hope itself. Let’s talk about Finding Evidence of Hope From a Difficult Past.

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You know, when I left Massachusetts, I felt defeated. It\’s a very hard thing to put into context, but I was so down bad that it was like, I have to leave because I couldn\’t hack it. So now to be coming back in the position I am, and I mean that in a couple of levels. Like, I mean, now to be coming back, I\’m alive. I made it. At that time, it was dark. It was real difficult. I\’m coming back. I\’ve lived life.

If you\’ve heard my story, you know that in the beginning of my life was a lot of pain and trauma. And I often talk about this really dark time in my life where I almost didn\’t make it out. And that\’s what this place represents for me.

The first time I ever experienced true freedom was standing on this spot 30 years ago. When I came to campus, my father\’s actually the one who moved me onto the college campus. We went to the dorm and we dropped some stuff off, like my clothes and stuff that I was moving into the dorm. And then we went out and got something to eat, and then we went to a store and got some toiletries, and then we came back to the dorm and dropped our stuff off. Then my father drove me up this road here, and he parked his car right here. And this is where I got out, gave him a hug, and said goodbye.

And my life at that point, every decision I made was highly scrutinized by my dad. It was like, right decision, wrong decision. And the consequences for wrong decisions were really, really high. So I remember I hugged my dad and I stood right here and I watched him drive off and go out of the campus.

I remember thinking, standing in this exact spot, I remember thinking, this is the first time in my life where, I can go into the student building. This is the student campus center. I could go back to the dorm. I could walk to the athletic facility, which was that way. I could go to the main campus.

It was the first time in my life, no matter where I went, there was no wrong decision. There weren\’t going to be any consequences for making the wrong choice. It was the first time I ever felt truly free to make choices. It was a wonderful feeling.

I think that\’s part of why I live my life the way I live it now. I want to be free to be the person I am, the person I want to be, the person I want to become. But I remember that was the first time I ever thought, I can go anywhere right now and do anything, and there\’s no one there to harshly criticize or punish me for whatever choice I was about to make.

This is the dorm of the university I first went to, all the way back in fall of 1994. This is on the campus of the University of Massachusetts at Dartmouth. Now, this is not the exact dorm. They\’ve torn those dorm buildings down probably long ago, and built these. But this building, or this campus, once represented hope for me.

I had hoped that if I could get out of my home and get here, then the torment would stop. I no longer was living around the person that was my tormentor. But this place went from hope to hell. When my father showed me that he could still reach me here through use of a beeper and through use of the phone.

He would beep me. If I didn\’t call him back in a short amount of time, he would call the campus police, who would then go search for me. And if that took too long, he would literally drive up to the campus, and wait for me at the dorm. It was awful. It was really, really awful. That\’s when I realized I can\’t escape this torture.

Once I realized that, that\’s when thoughts of ending my life got real, real serious. Because I just thought, if I can\’t end this pain by escaping physically, that\’s when I learned that, he could emotionally grasp me no matter where I was. Then that\’s when thoughts of ending my life got real, real serious. And it lasted a while. This is where it was.

I was in such a dark, deep place from this feeling of hopelessness that for the first time in my life, I knew I needed help.

So I came to the counseling center. I didn\’t know how to schedule a counseling appointment. I thought you\’d just walk in and get counseling. So I walked in right there, literally that building there. I walked in and I said, I need counseling. And they said, do you have an appointment? I said, no. And they said, we have to schedule an appointment. And the receptionist asked me to sit down as she went to go get one of the therapists.

So I sat down, waiting on one of the therapists to come out. And while I was waiting, I saw a pamphlet that was about depression. And as I was waiting for this person to come out, I start reading the pamphlet about depression, and I start getting more anxious and more depressed. This pamphlet was making me think about all these problems, and I got anxious, and I got depressed, and I got anxious, got depressed, and I had to put the pamphlet back and get out of there.

I remember thinking, like, I\’m never going back to that, because, just focusing on the problem made the problem worse. In a visceral sense, in real time.

So here I am, I\’m on the practice field where I played football at University of Massachusetts at Dartmouth. That\’s where we played our games. But this is the practice field. This was really important to me because this was my distraction from life. I needed this to be able to deal with all the other things going on in life.

As I walk around the campus, there\’s so many things that have changed, but so many things have stayed the same. The same practice field, that\’s the same game field. So many things are different, but so many things are the same. But I walk around and I just think, this was a place where I had such a dark history, and even coming here, I didn\’t know what I was going to experience. But this place had such a dark history and so many difficult experiences. I didn\’t know how I was going to respond to them. But I actually am walking around with so much pride because it now is a beacon of hope. Because I remember what it was like when I was here before, and look how far I\’ve come.

The journey, it almost feels like the journey is complete. I was able to do the things I dreamt about, and even beyond way back then at that time. I ended up having to leave here and move to Texas, where I got two degrees. I remember leaving here not knowing what the future held. And now that I\’m back, I\’m in the future that I once didn\’t know would happen.

People talk about Solution Focused Brief Therapy as an approach that doesn\’t pay attention to the past. But nothing could be further from the truth, because without the past, you have no arc. Without the past, you have no way to measure how far you\’ve come. If I didn\’t remember all of the things that happened here, then I would have a very difficult ability to enjoy and appreciate the things that are happening now.

One of the reasons why I\’m so deeply appreciative of the journey and where it\’s taken me is because I still remember where I started.

We do that work with our clients. It\’s insane to think that you wouldn\’t pay attention to the past, because there is no arc without the past. There is no progress without an acknowledgement of the past. The past is incredibly important. The past matters a tremendously great deal.

You cannot ignore it, you cannot negate it, you cannot forget it. The past 100% matters.

So, if there was one message that I want to leave with people, I would say, \”Keep going.\”

Last time I was on this field, I was 17 years old. And if that Elliot walked onto this field, I would just thank him because he kept going. He did not quit. He almost failed, he almost quit, he almost gave up, he almost died, all of those things.

The world will eventually turn in your favor if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going, no matter what.

I continued to enroll in college. I didn\’t know where I was going or what I was going to be doing. But eventually I discovered psychology. Eventually I discovered psychotherapy. Eventually I discovered being an author. Eventually I discovered being in front of cameras. Eventually life starts to unfold in different ways. But that 17 year old couldn\’t have seen that. And if he was standing right here, I wish I could close my eyes and see, walking out of that athletic building. The athletic building is right there. And I could close my eyes and see young Elliot walking out here with his teammates. And if I could just call him over, I would say thank you. Because you kept going, I got to live in the future.

So, no matter what you\’re going through, no matter what you\’re dealing with, no matter how dark it looks and how bleak the outcome, just keep going.