Elliott Connie
Founder/PresidentElliott Connie, MA, LPC is a Psychotherapist that practices in Arlington, Texas. He has worked with thousands of individuals, couples, and families applying the solution...
I received a question I have never been asked before at my most recent lecture, and it opened up a great conversation about follow up sessions that I’d now like to share with you all.
Somebody asked a question in one of my coaching calls recently that I hadn’t been asked before. And basically what they’re saying is, when clients come back from to therapy after a first session, and we start the session by saying, “What’s been better?” They said, “It’s hard for me to ask that question because it feels like I’m saying, ‘I’m so awesome, certainly everything in your life got better.'”
And I was like, “Wow.” I never really thought about it from that context of feeling like it feels like I’m being something other than humble, like I’m trying to steal credit or awesomeness from the client. But none of that is true.
What we’re actually doing is reviewing signs of progress. I can say “What’s been better?”, and what I’m really saying is, “Since nobody’s life is perfect, and everyone has some trouble, I assume that there’s been some difficulties between now and the last time we meet. But I also assume something has found a way to get better. So the first thing we’re going to do in this session is assume progress and work to understand and unpack that progress.” So that’s why we asked that question.
Now I want to give an example. I was working with a client and they had a holiday coming up. It was going to be a huge family function for this holiday. And the therapy was about some disagreements that they’ve had in the family, and some disconnections, and some conflict in the family. So we had a few sessions as a family leading up to the holiday.
And then the holiday came and the family came back after the therapy and I said, “What’s been better?” Again, not assuming that everything went great, and not trying to fish for compliments, and tell me I’m the greatest therapist, but to just acknowledge something must have gotten better.
And the family was like, “Oh my gosh, it’s been terrible. We had the family holiday. It was bad. Blow up fight, people throwing turkey and mashed potatoes at each other, cursing, screaming. It was really bad.” So when the family fight broke out, one of the family members went in the backyard and then another family went out there to sit with that person. So the mom was like, “I’m gonna sit in here and I’m just gonna relax.”
And then somebody came in and said, they want to talk to you. And it was like a cousin that had started the fight. And somebody else came to the mom and said, the cousins in the backyard want to talk to you. The mom said, so this is.
I said, “What’s been better?” And they said, “Oh, huge blow up fight, nothing went right, blah, blah, blah.”
And I said, “While the fight has been happening, what were you most pleased with?” It’s kind of an odd question. It’s a very psychotherapy question, very Solution Focused question. And the kind of question that highlights that even when things are going poorly, something may have gone well.
So the mom said, “Well, when they came and asked me, ‘Would you go out there and talk to the cousin?'” The mom said, “Okay.” And she went out there and talked to the cousin.
They talked for like 45 minutes, got some things, not everything, but some things hashed out and then came back in the house. And the next day the family event continued to go, less fighting. And then the next day it ended. Everybody flew home.
So I asked, “How was that a sign of progress?” And she said, “In the past I would have held a grudge, and I never would have went out there and talked to the cousin.”
And I said, “So how come you did this time?” And she said, “Out of love for my family.”
Now the family is sitting around [the room], and they heard this, and that became how we start talking about progress. Even while something didn’t go well, you still showed something different about how you loved your family. And that difference led to a change. Meaning they had a good day the next day, decent day the next day.
So we ask this question, “What’s been better?” Not because we assume things have gotten better, we just assume something must have gotten better. And even when there’s trouble, there’s still evidence that something was improved. Because you can’t do trouble the exact same way every time. And nothing can be all bad.
So when you make those assumptions, that gives you permission, and when the client comes back for therapy, you get to say, “So what’s been better?” And the answer will illuminate positives, and progress, and guide what you do after the first session. Hope that helps.
Elliott Connie, MA, LPC is a Psychotherapist that practices in Arlington, Texas. He has worked with thousands of individuals, couples, and families applying the solution focused approach to help them move their lives from the current problems towards their desired futures. As well as being the Founder and President of The Solution Focused Universe, he is recognized around the world speaking at national and international conferences and events throughout the United States, Australia, New Zealand, Germany, South Africa, Russia, Switzerland, England, Poland, Sweden, Denmark, Scotland, Holland, Canada, and Asia training practitioners to apply solution focused questions and techniques in their work. He has authored or co-authored 4 books including “The Art of Solution Focused Therapy”, ‘Solution Building in Couples Therapy”, ‘The Solution Focused Marriage’, and ‘Solution-Focused Brief Therapy with Clients Managing Trauma’.
